Japan's Greatest Gift to Japanese Society

And now a word about toilets.

You knew it had to come sooner or later. Japan is famous for its toilets.

First of all, type. Public loos (and Buddha be praised, there are always great, clean loos at temples and shrines) most often offer a choice:

And if you do not know the difference, all it takes is a quick glance. In short, Japanese style toilets are squatters, and Western style toilets are sitters. Both clean, both serviceable, both recognizable to any traveler worth his or her salt, it is then up to you to choose.

Next up, temperature. One of the very, very best features of a Japanese toilet is that the seats are warm. Just let that sink in for a wistful moment. And not just warm, but you can set it at what every setting of heat or lack thereof you might desire. Can you jsut imagine what that is light on a coolish midnight visit? Utter bliss, I can assure you.

Thirdly, controls. These can be quite confusing, especially if you are presented with an explanation that looks like this: 

or this

or even this: 

Ignore these. What you want to find are things like this on the toilet itself:

or this on the wall beside you:

The three main items of note are the rounded W, the girl sitting on dots, and the quarter notes. 

Trying to be delicate here, the rounded W is actually a bottom, and a press of this button with send a gentle washing spray to the back area of your anatomy. The feminine version sends the same spray more to the front, acting much like a bidet. Both of these streams of water can be made stronger or weaker, warmer or cooler, with the pressure and temperature buttons. 

The music notes are a little less obvious until one presses this button. There is no brass band playing 76 Trombones, or Beethoven's 9th Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, however much either would be appropriate given the circumstances. Instead a loud babbling brook is heard, which is meant to hide any, er, self-consciousness noise. 

Finding the flusher is not easy - sometimes it's on the side of the cistern where I might expect to find it. Sometimes one must wave a hand over a wall sensor, press a foot pedal, or just get up, when it goes off by itself. The most helpful tell you where to look.

Another innovation that is common is the cistern that acts also as the washing up sink. As the loo is flushed, fresh water comes out of the tap so that one can wash their hands. This water fills the cistern for the next person. All very well thought out and water-saving.

It's also useful to know other Japanese toilet conventions. If you see this:

It means, if you try to use the toilet without lifting the seat lid, you are too old and grey to be of any use and will soon be erased from this life. It also means do not bring your monkey to dance on the loo or it will be targeted and shot through with a laser. The bottom half indicates that paper covers rock, which earns points if you can bounce it into the loo without hitting the rim and loses points it you are of a cubist state of mind or have kidney stones.

This one is self-explanatory of course - use the toilet paper before it projectiles itself into the loo, which is a waste and you will be fined, double if it is a full moon, and treble if it is a blue moon. And do not spending hours thinking about your laser-destroyed monkey while there is a queue forming outside. The clock is ticking, bucko.

Happy trails!